JOKES

[[BTF] Reflex]

  One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the
  weather was extremely bad and the trip home was to be delayed
  and they had to stay in a motel for the night. Little Johnny
  was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.
 
  In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was
  frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her. He
  asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She
  said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she
  said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her
  belly button and she said "NO."
 
 "But my Mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."
 
  So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets
  you do."
 
  And a few minutes later the teacher says, "OH... that's not
  my bellybutton."
 
  And Johnny says, "That's not my finger."

[[BTF]Sigma]

Today I learned what a "Chilean Miner" is.

It's when she goes all the way down the shaft and doesn't come back up until xmas.

[Sgt. Dick]

 

[The Dreaming Dragon]

A young Lady's boyfriend following a dare to race the car in exchange for her getting naked.

Started to enthusiastically speed up the car.

He reached the 100 km mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 120 km off came the pants.

At 160 it was her bra and at 180 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He swerved off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[Sgt. Dick]

This is not a joke but still funny.

My daughter, wife, and me went to the local college and met with a student advisor about getting her registered.  After she was registered my wife ask for one of the advisors business cards.  The ladies first name was spelled Jacinta, my wife was making small talk and said that was a pretty name and sounded like a flower.  My daughter chimed in and said, yea kinda of like a placinta (she actually stopped herself after saying pla) but it was to late, we all know what she was saying.  Not another word was said by my wife or daughter, thank goodness we were done so we just got up and left.  By the time we got out of that office area, we were all loosing it.

[[BTF] Reflex]

Once around the age of 4 or 5, while being carried around a department store, I happened to pass by a black person.

Loud enough for him and quite a few other people to hear,  the phrase "That man looks like a monkey" sprang from my innocent lips mortifying my mother

[|iR|Focalor]

Once around the age of 4 or 5, while being carried around a department store, I happened to pass by a black person.

Loud enough for him and quite a few other people to hear,  the phrase "That man looks like a monkey" sprang from my innocent lips mortifying my mother

HAHAHA!!! Reminds me of the time my mom, my sister and I went to a Waffle House when I was in 9th grade. My mom was sitting on one side of the booth, my sister and I were sitting on the other side. I can't remember what I did, something annoying, and my mom says loud enough for anyone nearby to hear, "Are you retarded!?!" Me and my sisters eyes both got huge as beachballs and we started snickering. My mom had no idea why and said, "What's so funny, are you really retarded?" Completely in sync, me and my sister both did one of those hand at the edge of the table finger points to the booth right behind my mother where there was a person with Downs Syndrome sitting.

[soh]

Found this on a forum 


"Guys, Don't shave your butt hair! (Thread)

Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poo- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Guys, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!"

 

[Sgt. Dick]

 

[The Happy Friar]

That guy forgot to add the words "drunk" and "400 pounds" at the start of his story.   

[Pr0c3550r]

 

 

A Woman was out playing golf one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife ....


Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

[The Dreaming Dragon]

http://videosift.com/video/Old-Jews-Telling-Jokes-The-Best-Hooker-You-Got

[|iR|Focalor]

CITY OF ATLANTA HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME  _____________________________________________
GANG NAME   ______________________________________
CRIB   _____________________________________________
1.       Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip.
            He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
            How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?
>
>
>
> 2.     Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine.
            If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram,
            what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
>
>
>
> 3.     Rufus pimps 3 ho's.
           If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn
           to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
>
>
>
> 4.     Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make a 20% profit.
           How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
>
>
>
> 5.     Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4.
           If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal
           to have the $900 he needs to make bail for his Mama?
>
>
>
> 6.     LeRoy got 6 years for murder.
           He also got $10,000 for the hit.
           If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month,
           how much money will be left when he gets out?
>
>
>
> 7.     If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet,
           how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
>
>
>
> 8.     Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang.
           There are 27 girls in his gang.
            What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
>
>
>
> 9.     LaSheena is a lookout for the gang.
           LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.
           If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout,
           how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
>
>
>
> 10.     Marvin steals DuWayne's skateboard.
            As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, DuWayne loads his 357 Magnum.

            If it takes DuWayne 20 seconds to load his piece,
            how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

[ReCycled]

Today's wacky news story:

A suicidal man is calling a hotline for help. The jobless man, fraught with worry over the U.S. economy, is transferred to a call centre in Pakistan where he's asked if he can drive a truck.

[[BTF]Sigma]

On St. Patrick's Day:

Hey girl are you missing Ireland because when I see you my dick is Dublin.