Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 78738 times)

Offline ToxicMonkey^MZC

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #150 on: October 18, 2008, 04:04:41 AM »
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
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Offline [BTF]EyEsTrAiN

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #151 on: November 03, 2008, 07:26:17 PM »
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh , yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope...just when it's raining."
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"All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu. This is the truth! This is my belief!...At least for now."
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Offline playboy

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #152 on: November 03, 2008, 07:56:16 PM »
 :LAME:
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I wish haunted would RTFM

Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #153 on: November 26, 2008, 07:56:35 AM »
Another men - women thingee....

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Offline playboy

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #154 on: December 17, 2008, 04:35:11 PM »
men rule women drool!!!!!!!!!!
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I wish haunted would RTFM

Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #155 on: December 31, 2008, 05:33:54 PM »
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart greeter says pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart, nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
------------------------------------------
A guy is leaning over the fence talking to his neighbour. "Sam", he says. "do you believe in same-sex marriages?"

Sam replies "Sure I do. I'm married and I've had the same sex for 20 years."

 :bigshades:

 
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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #156 on: January 04, 2009, 10:45:49 AM »
So I invite these 2 ladies back to my place for a late night drink. They seem like a friendly pair and we're having a good conversation when I notice their behaviour is getting a bit out of line. It must have been the alcohol. Needless to say I was shocked and had to ask them to leave. I did the right thing.....
 :erhmmm:
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Offline [BTF]Sigma

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #157 on: January 04, 2009, 10:48:55 AM »
That's such a bad joke.
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Offline |iR|Focalor

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #158 on: January 04, 2009, 02:55:35 PM »
That was like an anti-joke. That joke made me cry. :'(
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Offline metaL

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #159 on: January 04, 2009, 08:05:03 PM »
I did the right thing.....

Oh, so did they.  Not long after they knocked on my door I had the blonde cleaning up the kitchen, living room, and doing my laundry while the brunette and I...  :partytime2:
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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #160 on: January 04, 2009, 08:12:23 PM »
Actually something very similar to that, happened to me back in the early 70s, when I got my first place. Same result. Let's call it "sheer stupidity" on my part. I'll save the story for another post. Anyway here's tatoos:

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Offline metaL

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #161 on: January 04, 2009, 08:14:24 PM »
Haha.. thats pretty funny
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Offline marijane

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #162 on: March 24, 2009, 04:26:21 PM »
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once  inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

 

The newspaper headline read:

 
 

 

' IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'

Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #163 on: March 26, 2009, 11:31:50 AM »
An American basketball coach flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play basketball. He's quite impressed and arranges for him to come over to Boston to join the team. Two weeks later the Celtics are down 73- 49 to the Lakers with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and in he goes.
The kid is a sensation, scores 30 points in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Celtics.
The fans are ecstatic, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the Iraqi comes off the floor he phones his mum to tell her about his first day playing American basketball.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were way behind but I scored 30 points and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum,'but let me tell you about my day...
Your father got shot in the street and robbed,
Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten
And your brother has joined a gang of looters,
And all while you were having such great time...'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum....
It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!
 
----------------------------------------------

Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-state guys who sank it!
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell, no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in her hindquarters and a pretty big hole in front, too.
Everytime I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted...

« Last Edit: March 26, 2009, 11:35:37 AM by ReCycled »
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Offline poopoppa

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #164 on: March 26, 2009, 11:55:23 AM »
Why did 'god' create yeast infections?

So women would know what its like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
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