Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 77712 times)

Offline Waffle Whiffer

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #210 on: September 02, 2010, 06:22:50 AM »
Dan dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?

Dan: If you died and went to Hell, you''d be bumming out too.

Devil: Hell isn''t what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?

Dan: Sure, I love to drink. Why?

Devil: Well, you''re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more.

Dan: Ah, that sounds great.

Devil: Do you smoke?

Dan: Damn right I do.

Devil: Cool! You''re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don''t have to worry about getting cancer because you''re already dead anyways.

Dan: No shit!

Devil: You like gambling?

Dan: Hell yeah!

Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.

Dan: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.

Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?

Dan: I love getting stoned! You mean...

Devil: That''s right man, because on Thursdays, it''s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don''t have to worry about overdosing because you''re already dead anyhow.

Dan: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!

Devil: Are you gay?

Dan: Uh, no.

Devil: Oooh, you''re gonna hate Fridays!
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Offline Chocobo Joe

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #211 on: September 12, 2010, 03:09:05 PM »
What if an Indiana Jones movie was independently developed from the state of Indiana? And then dubbed into Hindi?

It would be an Indie Indy from Indi in Hindi.
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Offline soh

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #212 on: September 12, 2010, 04:21:10 PM »
What if an Indiana Jones movie was independently developed from the state of Indiana? And then dubbed into Hindi?

It would be an Indie Indy from Indi in Hindi.

What about Hannibal the Musical :lolup:
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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #213 on: October 09, 2010, 01:14:44 PM »
Women:
 
I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.

I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental.
 
Women...  Go Figure !
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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #214 on: October 09, 2010, 01:21:35 PM »
The Divorced Barbie Doll
-------------------------------
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95 ---
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
 
----------------------------------
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.
 
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,
 "See what you get for $25 bucks?"

 
 

 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2010, 01:40:24 PM by ReCycled »
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Offline Sgt. Dick

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #215 on: October 12, 2010, 05:16:54 PM »
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.









So, they buried Susie.
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aka IOU

Offline [BTF]Sigma

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #216 on: October 29, 2010, 05:05:04 PM »
Guy gets pulled over for driving over the limit just after midnight by a cop. Cop says," where are off to this late and in such a hurry?"

"I'm off to a lecture on the effects of drugs and alcohol on the body while operating a motor vehicle."

Cop, "This late at night?"

"Yup. *hic, My wife's going to be hosting it."
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Offline |iR|Focalor

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #217 on: October 31, 2010, 12:03:11 AM »
The difference between guts and balls:

 GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

 BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''


A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."


What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."


Two guys went fishing one day. They set the tackle box down and went in different directions. One guy pulled out a cigarette to light it and realized that he left the lighter in the tackle box so he went back and passed his friend. His friend asked where he was going and he told him to get a lighter. Then he says, "I got one."  then pulls out this 12 inch Bic lighter. The guy says,  "Where the did you get that 12inch Bic lighter?" He says, "Go knock on that tree 3 times and you’ll get 1 wish granted."  so he went and knocked on the tree 3 times. A genie came out a said, "You got one wish." so he wished for a million bucks then a million ducks came flying over. He said to the other guy "That's not what i wished for!" The other guy says, "You think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"


Ok a shrink decides he’s going to throw a party with the theme being emotions. So six o’clock rolls around and people start showing up. The first knock at the door is a woman dressed in all red with her hair standing straight up, doc says you must be rage comon in. Next knock at the door is a man dressed in a big teardrop suit, the doc says you must be sadness comon in. Last knock at the door is a man standing there butt naked with a pear on his pecker... the doc is a little puzzled but persists on guessing the costume.. finally the guest looks at the doc and says "don’t ya get it doc i’m fuckin dispear
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Offline Chocobo Joe

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #218 on: December 03, 2010, 08:21:22 PM »
This one's kind of corny but oh well...

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.
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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #219 on: December 17, 2010, 09:41:43 AM »
Blake Edwards, the Hollywood producer, just died so this is a tribute from one of his many funny films.

The Pink Panther
-----------------------

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: (bowing down to pet the dog) ... Nice doggie...
  -Dog then barks and bites Clouseau in the hand-
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!?
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.
 

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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #220 on: January 28, 2011, 06:26:07 PM »
DOG FOR  SALE

A guy is driving around the back woods of Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down farm house: 'Talking Dog For  Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking  Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

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Offline |iR|Focalor

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #221 on: January 28, 2011, 10:45:35 PM »
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."
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Offline ReCycled

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #222 on: January 30, 2011, 07:15:47 AM »
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow end up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
   
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
       
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'And you sir ?' Bush replies, 'Go ahead - my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
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Offline The Happy Friar

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #223 on: January 30, 2011, 05:58:37 PM »
Flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.  Oprah shrugged her  shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.  Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'
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Offline soh

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #224 on: February 13, 2011, 11:24:26 PM »
English as a Second F*cking Language: How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life

"In the English language, swearing is essential to effective communication. Whether you want to suceed in business, school, or social circles, a strong command of vocabulary is absolutely necessary." :D

I strongly F*CKING agree! :bump:

I came across this book on a typing game recently. Thought it was funny as I was typing it :dohdohdoh:

... one more thing ... Quadz is an essential reference to this :D fword
« Last Edit: February 13, 2011, 11:26:29 PM by Escher »
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