Author Topic: JOKES (Read 141133 times)

peewee_RotA · « **Reply #195 on:** September 17, 2009, 11:38:13 AM »

(I first heard this joke from a man who speaks broken English, so give it a break)

Mama Bear and Papa Bear get an ugly, messy divorce. During the hearing the court has to decide who is going to get custody of Baby Bear. Both the Mama and Papa bear argue and bicker back and forth as to who should get custody.

The judge slams his gavel down and demands "Order in the court! I will not have bickering in my court room. In order to help decide who I will grant custody to, I want to hear from Baby Bear who it is that he thinks he should go with."

The judge turns to the bear cub and asks "So who would you like to go home with? How about Mama Bear?"

Baby Bear hesitates and then says "No, she is very mean and always yells at me and paddles me."

The judge then asks "So then what about Papa Bear?"

The bear cub hesitates again and says "No, he has a big temper and he paddles me a lot too."

"So then who do you think you should go home with?" asks the Judge puzzled.

The Cub thinks for a minute and finally responds: "I want to live with The Chicago Bears!"

"The Chicago Bears? Why the Chicago Bears?" asks the judge.

"Well it's simple." The Bear Cub replies, "Everybody knows that they can't beat anyone.".

|iR|Focalor · « **Reply #196 on:** September 17, 2009, 11:50:14 AM »

So true. So very true.

The Happy Friar · « **Reply #197 on:** September 17, 2009, 03:22:28 PM »

If women are such good multi-taskers, why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?!

peewee_RotA · « **Reply #198 on:** October 01, 2009, 07:40:53 AM »

I got into a car accident when traffic came to a halt and I slammed on my breaks. I rear ended the car in front of me. The driver got out of his car and started yelling at me. He was a dwarf and the first words to leave his mouth were "I am not happy!"

So I replied "O.k., then which one are you?"

[BTF]Defiant! · « **Reply #199 on:** October 03, 2009, 11:35:01 AM »

True story..

A corporate friend of mine interacts with customers. He unintentionally left a phone message for his main customer saying only "F***!". How this happened..

He was driving along the freeway going into work. He decides to make a business call with the hands free system. While the phone is ringing, someone pulls out right in front of him. "F***!" he yells. Then realizes he is on the phone message system, and immediately hangs up.

ReCycled · « **Reply #200 on:** October 06, 2009, 03:40:10 PM »

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said,
'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

|iR|Focalor · « **Reply #201 on:** October 06, 2009, 04:01:34 PM »

It's deja vu all over again.

|iR|Focalor · « **Reply #202 on:** October 19, 2009, 12:35:04 AM »

Louis CK on the word stereotypical ethnic ghetto-style individual.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjCK2QkucL4

peewee_RotA · « **Reply #203 on:** October 19, 2009, 12:02:49 PM »

This is written as a true story:
http://kotaku.com/5384643/i-kept-playing--the-costs-of-my-gaming-addiction

It's a long read and I certainly don't agree with the comment "Some blame can be laid at the feet of developers, making a conscious effort to make their games more addictive" but it's all worth it for the punch line.

[BTF]Sigma · « **Reply #204 on:** October 21, 2009, 11:34:12 PM »

Thank god they found balloon boy. For a minute there I thought Michael Jackson was ordering takeout from Heaven.

Waffle Whiffer · « **Reply #205 on:** December 16, 2009, 09:38:37 AM »

Quadz has a party to celebrate the end of Focalor’s wait on death row. Muleskinner comes staggering out of the bathroom and slurs “hey Quadzzz where did ya get the green toilet paper that says “fuck you”? Quadz says: I don’t have green toilet paper that says fuck you. Mule says “oh shit, I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

peewee_RotA · « **Reply #206 on:** December 19, 2009, 04:49:06 PM »

We had a birthday party for my twin daughters tonight. The weather is pretty bad here and the clown we hired had to cancel. He lost control of his car and crashed into a tree. 17 other clowns were hurt in the accident, not including the driver.

ReCycled · « **Reply #207 on:** December 19, 2009, 06:23:13 PM »

The Tiger Woods Xmas Carol
------------------------------------

It was the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' in a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her pre-nup made Christmas come early this year.

fdrjk · « **Reply #208 on:** June 07, 2010, 09:08:36 PM »

A man runs over a woman. Whose fault is it?

Its the mans fault. He shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen

Why cant Helen Keller drive?

Because shes a woman

|iR|Focalor · « **Reply #209 on:** June 08, 2010, 12:26:14 AM »

Quote from: MCS_FaderJok0 on June 07, 2010, 09:08:36 PM

Why cant Helen Keller drive?

Because shes a woman

Author Topic: JOKES (Read 141133 times)

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