JOKES

[marijane]

just got  a new dog, he's really man's best friend, in every way !!!!!

check this out,


 
I make him smell a rabbit's foot,

he brought me back a rabbit !!


 
I made him smell a pheasant's feather, and guess what?

he brought me back a pheasant !! wow.


 
I made him smell my wife's G string undies, and you guessed it,

he brought back my neighbour's testicles !!   


 
good dog !!!

[[BTF] Reflex]

Let him smell your stash of Blueberry or White Rhino....

[|iR|Focalor]

I let him smell my kilo of coke. He brought me back a box of baby laxative.

[Waffle Whiffer]

A guy with a carrot in his nose and a potato in his ear walks into a doctor's office.
The doctor says "Well, I can tell you haven't been eating right".     

[peewee_RotA]

A guy with a carrot in his nose and a potato in his ear walks into a doctor's office.
The doctor says "Well, I can tell you haven't been eating right".     

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6_oHkk4ePc

[|iR|Focalor]

A guy walks into a bar and orders nine shots of their finest tequila. The bartender asks him what the occasion is. The guy says "My first blowjob!". The bartender says "Well that is a good reason to celebrate! Tell you what, I'll throw in a tenth shot on the house!" The guy says "Thanks, but if nine shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt ten will."

[marijane]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes
to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is 3:00 in the
morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[|iR|Focalor]

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my fucking toast."
A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been fucked."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "You're fucked now."
A guy's weaving down the road on his Harley when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell off a few blocks back?"
The guy says, "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."
A guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws the monkey a peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, "Man, that is one very stupid monkey."
The zookeeper says, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first."
A guy goes into a luncheonette and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chile."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his fork hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[peewee_RotA]

Here's a joke that one of the artists told me yesterday on the way to a meeting. (I can't claim credit for this joke):

Farrah Faucet died and went to heaven. St. Peter looks at his book and says "By our records you have been a very outstanding role model throughout your time on Earth. You endured much and gave more. For that we have decided to grant one wish for you on Earth before you enter heaven. Anything that you want."

Farrah being the good soul that she is says "I wish for all of the the children on Earth to be safe"

A few hours later Michael Jackson died.

  

[[BTF]Sigma]

Oh wow... LOL

Reminds me of another tasteless joke:

How do you kill a Fox?

Give it cancer and make it run across Canada.

[ReCycled]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. They're a Poodle, a Schnauzer and a Great Dane. The Poodle  asks the Schnauzer "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer says, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well and I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "So why are you here?" The Poodle says, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I'm barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and that's when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?" The Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

[ReCycled]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are on a mission somewhere out in the desert.

As night falls, they get their tent set up, and both men fall sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"Kemosebe -  look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

Tonto says "What that tell you?"

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"That you are dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole our tent..."

[[BTF]Gator]

lol! good one!

[ReCycled]

Funny Quotes
-----------------

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
- Henny Youngman

If you're young and right wing, you have no heart. But if you're old and left wing, you have no brains.
-Unknown

I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.
-Winston Churchill

Capitalism stands for the unequal sharing of blessings. Socialism stands for the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-Winston Churchill

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-W.C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
-W.C. Fields

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
-Mark Twain

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-Norm Crosby

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
-Robert Wilensky

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
-Clarence Darrow

[ReCycled]

Political joke...

I asked my friend's daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President of the USA some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Democrat Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!", I told her.  I continued, "But you don'thave to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house now, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, and then asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.