JOKES

[jägermonsta]

United States > Canada

The end.

[Daemia]

usa can lick my ass      to far?   

i'm just kidding around, dont freak out yanks  

[ReCycled]

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.

He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning..."

[Waffle Whiffer]

What goes "Clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop BANG Clip clop clip clop" ?




An Amish drive by shooting! 

[Quest]

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A women who won't do what she's told.

[jägermonsta]

 

[ReCycled]

Some Irish jokes:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he musta had help."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast - and a thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight.

---------------------------------------
An Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, is driving home from the pub one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
 "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," says the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

----------------------------------------
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery."
"Oh, heavens, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
"How did it happen, Tim?" she cries.
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well no, Brenda, no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.

-------------------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
 She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun!'"

 

[jägermonsta]

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Waffle Whiffer]

Why did Banes cross the road?




Cause his dick was stuck in a chicken!

 

[Daemia]

9 Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothingusually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.)That's Ok: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's ok means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "FUCK YOU!"

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

send or show this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

[Unstable]

9 Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothingusually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.)That's Ok: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's ok means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "FUCK YOU!"

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Daemia]

haha i loved the 1st and 3rd one  

[jägermonsta]

9 Words Women Use...

You forgot the word "thing" or an entirely new word "thingy" which can describe basically anything on the planet.

"Do know where that thing is that was near the thingy?"

[Daemia]

yeah it should of said '9 phrases' but i just copy/pasted it, I wasn't really caring that much...

[{TNP}Dukie]

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies
is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the
ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and
then hacks it maybe another 10 feet.

She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the
ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching
and says apologetically,

"I guess all those f---ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."


One of the men immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady.
You should have taken golf lessons instead."