JOKES

[Quest]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. 
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any under-
wear under her dress!  Shocked by this, John, upon
trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table
and emerged red-faced.  Later John went to the
kitchen to get some refreshments.  Bill's wife followed
and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
that, well, indeed he did.  She said, "Well, you can have it
but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and
moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interes-
ted.  She tells him that since her husband Bill works
Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at
her house around 2 P.M. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house
at 2 P.M. sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500,
they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as
agreed.  John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 P.M. and upon
entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come
by the house this afternoon?"  With a lump in her throat,
Sue answered, "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes
this afternoon."  Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"  In terror
she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after
mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact
he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good.  I was hoping he did.  John came by the office
this morning and borrowed $500 from me.  He promised me
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and
pay me back."

 
quest

[johnny]

Tis joke is old and I first heard it in the "The Cow and Penguin Corner" thread.

[vibes]

Subject: Husband Store



    A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.  You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE!!

     There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shoppers ascends the flights.  There is, however, a catch ..... you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!  So, a
woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.
"WOW," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that woman are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step
as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

THIS IS TO ALL MEN FOR A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ALL THE WOMAN WHO
CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[KFC CHICKENMAN]

 

[DWxchzrles]

good one ViBeS

[jägermonsta]

George Carlin's???  New Rules for 2007


New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pic tures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande' half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla , double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN n umber, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table wa s just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you'r e going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift
giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. Af ter I zip
up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do
you want fries with that?"

[jägermonsta]

Strangely I'm not sure if Carlin even wrote these but I don't have much proof besides a quote off his website.

HOW TO SPOT A FAKE

Here's a rule of thumb, folks: Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website. If you see something with my name on it, and you really need to find out if it's mine, post a question on my bulletin board . But only if it's really important to you; don't fuck around with me for a lark.

Also I don't see Carlin giving a fisted shit about M&Ms enough to mention them among other topics... and no Carlin material exists with such a low volume of swears.

None the less it's still funny. I just don't understand why you would attribute it to Carlin and not take credit for yourself?

http://www.snopes.com/katrina/soapbox/carlin.asp
http://georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html

[Daemia]

"Not so much of a 'Joke' but a funny E-mail I had sent to me"

 
  DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
 
  40-ish...................................49.
  Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
  Athletic.................................No breasts.
  Average looking.....................Moooo.
  Beautiful...............................Pathological liar.
  Emotionally Secure................On medication.
  Feminist................................Lesbian.
  Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
  Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
  New-Age................................Body hair in the wrong places.
  Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
  Open-minded........................Desperate.
  Outgoing........................... ....Loud and embarrassing.
  Professional..........................Bitch.
  Voluptuous...........................Fat.
  Large frame..........................Very fat.
  Wants soul mate...................Stalker.
 
 
  DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
 
  Yes.....................................No
  No......................................Yes
  Maybe.................................No
  We need..............................I want
  I am sorry...........................You'll be sorry
  We need to talk....................You're in trouble
  Sure, go ahead....................You better not
  Do what you want.................You will pay for this later
  I am not upset......................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
  You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?
 
  DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
 
  I am hungry...............................I am hungry
  I am sleepy................................I am sleepy
  I am tired...................................I am tired
  Nice dress...................................Nice cleavage!
  I love you...................................Let's have sex now
  I am bored..................................Do you want to have sex?
  May I have this dance?.................I'd like to have sex with you.
  Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
  Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
  Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
  I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

[jägermonsta]

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd  rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant  and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[vibes]

I am hungry...............................I am hungry
  I am sleepy................................I am sleepy
  I am tired...................................I am tired
  Nice dress...................................Nice cleavage!
  I love you...................................Let's have sex now
  I am bored..................................Do you want to have sex?
  May I have this dance?.................I'd like to have sex with you.
  Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
  Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
  Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.


YES !!   rofl

[Arm0r]

Q:What do ya tell a bitch with 2 black eyes?
A:Nothin, you already told the bitch twice

[verdugo]

I cant imaginate this world without womans, personally dont like jokes about womans  ...  They are the most sweet in the world. I love the woman for ever dotn like guys

[jägermonsta]

They are the most sweet in the world.

Not all of them...

[Daemia]

 ^^  way to kill the thread  ^^   


Anyways....

The Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P... E...N...I...S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Daemia]

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the American again.