My life in a nutshell

[myamagical]

Warning: content is intense, don't read if you really don't want to get inside my head. To my understand, it to be a very scary place. Don't say I didn't warn you. Comments are welcome, flames amuse me. 

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At the moment, my life is a living hell. I just want cry. and be alone. I don't need anyone to care about me. I don't want anyone to care about me. I don't give a fuck about anything. So in my mind I'm saying: fuck the world and fuck everyone around me.

I really could care less what anyone may think about this little free write because I really give up on everything. This was written at the spur of the moment. I really feel broken and I can't be fixed. I feel defeated and isolated. I feel like nothing I ever do will be enough. Nothing I do could ever make anyone proud. I really am pathetic. The pain is cutting through me. It's like a knife that's calling out for my blood. I want to run but I can't hide. I need to face my torment and my fate, but I really don't want to. I have no one to turn to, and even though deep inside I really need someone to confide in, I really don't need anyone. and so I want to find solace in my loneliness, of my own world. I want to lose myself in my river of tears.Where no one can save me and no one can find me.

I'd seriously consider enduring the fires of hell than live another day of my life as it is now. It's full of hopelessness and I absolutely hate it with every fiber of my being.   

----

I can't make my dad proud at all. All he has on his mind is critisism. "You're not good enough at this and that", and he's taking away all the things that make me who I am, the things that allow me to escape away from the world, even if it is for a few hours or even minutes.

I feel like crying but I can't, I've got to hold it all in. However, I'm afraid that if I continue to hold it all in any farther, I will break and really really lose it.

[console]

I'd seriously consider enduring the fires of hell than live another day of my life as it is now.

While I don't believe in hell, if you postulate literally burning in a lake of fire and how that might feel, I bet you'd change your mind pretty quickly.  Maybe a second or two, and you'd trade back for your life as it is now. 


Let's look a some positives: You're smart, talented, sensitive, attractive, empathic, ... If you are also healthy and have a roof over your head and food on the table every day - I'll bet no less than a billion kids would like to switch places with you.


Obsessively critical parents who care about your education can be a pain... but in about 10 years looking back, you may appreciate them more than if they had not cared at all.


Good luck,

[Whirlingdervish]

well you haven't left yourself many options, but
I'd recommend that you find something to give a shit about.
It need not be yourself, or someone else or any object in particular.
Just find 1 thing that you like about life and all of the opportunities that it provides us with
and hold on to that 1 thing.
It really helps if it's not something entirely physical or someone else, as these can easily be taken from you
by the jackasses in this world.
Find something that really makes you feel like you matter, if even in the tiniest way.

Even if you aren't happy with your life or yourself or your peers, you will at least have
1 good thing to think about when the world seems so full of shitty things.(as it does quite often)
you can use this one thing to fight back the nasty thoughts that permeate your head in these
crappy times. drive them back with the happiness that your 1 thing gives you.
With the shit beaten back, it will just be you and your reason for living.

some people find a creative outlet for their energy/hatred/unhappiness to pour into
like art and music and even gaming.

others find a destructive way to cope with all the bad things that come their way
and break and smash things to aleviate their feelings of helplessness. (gaming helps here too)

considering that you probably don't want to perpetuate the shitty parts of your life and/or
pass them on to others, the positive creative outlet option may be more helpful.

when I can't stand the way that people act and the stupid things they do that bring me down,
I go out and I do my best to admire how beautiful the natural world is.
Even though we take it for granted and we try to strip it of all value, the world we live in (-humans)
is an exquisitely designed masterpiece of living and inanimate things that work in nearly perfect harmony.
I look at the blades of grass in my yard and I listen to the sounds of wind brushing against leaves
and birds trying their darndest to get some.

When it's really been a shitty day, I pound a couple shots of bourbon down and go work in my garden.
I try and pour a bit of my vitality into something that would not have even lived without my
help. Every little bit of green in my yard was planted and nurtured by my actions and just seeing how far
some time and effort will go to help another living thing survive makes me feel so much better.

I find that looking at all of the life that thrives around me, gives me a much more stable view of my
place on this planet. I can't make anything truly amazing happen by sheer force of will and even with years
of effort I'll probably never be able to change the things that piss me off the most;
but the thing I can do, no matter what, is attempt to enjoy the tiny bit of life that I get to have and try to
make the tiny bits of life that others are blessed with just a smidgen better than normal.

Unfortunately, I don't know you from Eve and I can't make a suggestion that is any better
suited to your needs. You know your life better than anyone else and you'll
have to be the one to find your way. Some things can't be taught and others shouldn't be,
but if there were a way to give every person a sense of purpose for just a second,
I'd do it... consequences be damned!

Life is really fucking tough and people are generally quite weak by comparison.
Our only real advantage is that we can help each other to overcome the tough shit.

Let us know if there is a way we can help you feel better in any way. 

[randypants]

Testing, testing, 1, 2. <3 ya alice, cheer up. (Not a novel of a post. Just some words of encouragement from your friendly neighborhood randypants.)

[myamagical]

well you haven't left yourself many options, but
I'd recommend that you find something to give a shit about.
It need not be yourself, or someone else or any object in particular.
Just find 1 thing that you like about life and all of the opportunities that it provides us with
and hold on to that 1 thing.
It really helps if it's not something entirely physical or someone else, as these can easily be taken from you
by the jackasses in this world.
Find something that really makes you feel like you matter, if even in the tiniest way.

Even if you aren't happy with your life or yourself or your peers, you will at least have
1 good thing to think about when the world seems so full of shitty things.(as it does quite often)
you can use this one thing to fight back the nasty thoughts that permeate your head in these
crappy times. drive them back with the happiness that your 1 thing gives you.
With the shit beaten back, it will just be you and your reason for living.

some people find a creative outlet for their energy/hatred/unhappiness to pour into
like art and music and even gaming.

others find a destructive way to cope with all the bad things that come their way
and break and smash things to aleviate their feelings of helplessness. (gaming helps here too)

considering that you probably don't want to perpetuate the shitty parts of your life and/or
pass them on to others, the positive creative outlet option may be more helpful.

when I can't stand the way that people act and the stupid things they do that bring me down,
I go out and I do my best to admire how beautiful the natural world is.
Even though we take it for granted and we try to strip it of all value, the world we live in (-humans)
is an exquisitely designed masterpiece of living and inanimate things that work in nearly perfect harmony.
I look at the blades of grass in my yard and I listen to the sounds of wind brushing against leaves
and birds trying their darndest to get some.

When it's really been a shitty day, I pound a couple shots of bourbon down and go work in my garden.
I try and pour a bit of my vitality into something that would not have even lived without my
help. Every little bit of green in my yard was planted and nurtured by my actions and just seeing how far
some time and effort will go to help another living thing survive makes me feel so much better.

I find that looking at all of the life that thrives around me, gives me a much more stable view of my
place on this planet. I can't make anything truly amazing happen by sheer force of will and even with years
of effort I'll probably never be able to change the things that piss me off the most;
but the thing I can do, no matter what, is attempt to enjoy the tiny bit of life that I get to have and try to
make the tiny bits of life that others are blessed with just a smidgen better than normal.

Unfortunately, I don't know you from Eve and I can't make a suggestion that is any better
suited to your needs. You know your life better than anyone else and you'll
have to be the one to find your way. Some things can't be taught and others shouldn't be,
but if there were a way to give every person a sense of purpose for just a second,
I'd do it... consequences be damned!

Life is really fucking tough and people are generally quite weak by comparison.
Our only real advantage is that we can help each other to overcome the tough shit.

Let us know if there is a way we can help you feel better in any way. 

That was beautiful.

[myamagical]

Testing, testing, 1, 2. <3 ya alice, cheer up. (Not a novel of a post. Just some words of encouragement from your friendly neighborhood randypants.)

I <3 you too panties. 

You never fail when it comes to making me smile!! 

[myamagical]

Obsessively critical parents who care about your education can be a pain... but in about 10 years looking back, you may appreciate them more than if they had not cared at all.

Yeah, I probably will appreciate it when I'm older... but it's just frustrating when it's something I can't really help all that much. and I'm punished for it - in a whole lot of different ways.

[johnny]

Hi Mya/Alice,

Just want to say that it only gets better as you get older. Yeah, yeah, that sucks and it's lame and doesn't help you out right now, but nothing but the passage of time and you getting to be your own person will truly help. One of my favorite sayings--can't remember what its origin is, but it has a vaguely Biblical ring to it--is "this, too, shall pass." I first heard this from my oldest brother, 13 years my senior, when I was in your age and in a similar funk for what I'm guessing are similar reasons. It has become a bit of a mantra for me, no matter the mood, as a reminder to get neither too high nor too low.

In our ludicrously immature, juvenile culture, adulthood is grossly underrated. Fuck that--I treasure every second of it, every second I have no one to answer to but myself. That comes with all sorts of complicating issues, but ultimately I can do whatever the fuck I want (as long as I'm willing to pay the consequences), and the decision is entirely MY OWN. Just today, in fact, my wife and I  didn't do JACK SHIT that was productive in any way, and there was NO ONE around to tell us we were pieces of shit for that. It fucking RULES!!!

In the meantime, you can content yourself with this thought, perhaps: as long as you're a minor, you're shielded to a large extent from adult responsibilities, such as mortgages, creditors, and the like. You're probably not contemplating selling a treasured possession to pay a utility bill (see my posting in the "I lost control this weekend" thread), etc., etc. The suck side is that you have to put up with parental bullshit.

But again, that too shall pass...

[myamagical]

Hi Mya/Alice,

Just want to say that it only gets better as you get older. Yeah, yeah, that sucks and it's lame and doesn't help you out right now, but nothing but the passage of time and you getting to be your own person will truly help. One of my favorite sayings--can't remember what its origin is, but it has a vaguely Biblical ring to it--is "this, too, shall pass." I first heard this from my oldest brother, 13 years my senior, when I was in your age and in a similar funk for what I'm guessing are similar reasons. It has become a bit of a mantra for me, no matter the mood, as a reminder to get neither too high nor too low.

In our ludicrously immature, juvenile culture, adulthood is grossly underrated. Fuck that--I treasure every second of it, every second I have no one to answer to but myself. That comes with all sorts of complicating issues, but ultimately I can do whatever the fuck I want (as long as I'm willing to pay the consequences), and the decision is entirely MY OWN. Just today, in fact, my wife and I  didn't do JACK SHIT that was productive in any way, and there was NO ONE around to tell us we were pieces of shit for that. It fucking RULES!!!

In the meantime, you can content yourself with this thought, perhaps: as long as you're a minor, you're shielded to a large extent from adult responsibilities, such as mortgages, creditors, and the like. You're probably not contemplating selling a treasured possession to pay a utility bill (see my posting in the "I lost control this weekend" thread), etc., etc. The suck side is that you have to put up with parental bullshit.

But again, that too shall pass...

Thanks JC,

Before I know it I'll be in college! Then I'll only have to deal with the 'rents when I go home to visit.  =]

It just sucks ATM, not just one reason, but multiple ones, which is why I basically blow up a lot of the time. Sometimes I write down my inner thoughts and sometimes I tell someone about it. It always helps, even if it's just a little.

[The Dreaming Dragon]

When dealing with the species Loco Parentus,you must remember that a goodly chunk of the nonsense they inflict on their kids is a direct result of things they had to deal with as kids themselves.This may explain a bit:in MY case,my father was born in the Depression(back in 1920) and this made him very unwilling to part with a dollar.Once we drove to Hersy Park in Pennsylvania,and when he saw what they were charging to get in,$40 or so each,we took the free tour of the factory,and SAT IN THE PARKINGLOT FOR 5 Hours.Wheee!And his second aspect of his personality revolved around his first wife,who,as unbelievably cliche' as it sounds,ran off with the milkman!He came home one day to an EMPTY house,with his clothes dumped on the floor.She took everything,even then groceries in the fridge,and moved while he was at work.She DID leave him their son,who he raised alone for a few years until he went to live with her...and never came back.His head was filled with hate by the mother for my Dad,and he refused to see him.His last letter to him was addressed to "Occupant".So,at the age of 45,he hooked up with a widow of 30ish,and had ME.My Dad took a LOT of crap from my Mother,who was loving but domineering,and did so because he wasn't about to lose another wife.And she DID give him a son.By accident,against her better judgement,really.Which brings me to-

My Mom.She was a "good" woman,for a few hours at a time,if you were Company and not merely Family,and if you didn't Upset her,and the ground rules for THAT changed  moment to moment.A new widow with 2 young kids,a daughter of 6 and a toddler of 1,who watched her husband die of cancer.The gent was a sailor(so was MY Dad,actually.Disturbing trend?)who my Mom married to get away from HER mother,and this point figures large in her world.My grandmother,apparently,was a bit of a player and my Mom was forced on this relative and that,and was always the NEW girl in class being shuffled about widely enough to affect where she went to school.In fact, Grandma wound up marrying a guitar playing lounge singer (who broke up their marrige by shacking up with a cat lady when he was in his 70s,but I digress).All this Controlling of her life as a kid and well into her adult life made her viselike with her control of HER kids.Um,maybe not SO viselike,it was more like we were buffeted by her whims.You will DO this WHEN I say NO arguement No negotiating NO way NO--Oh,wait lets do THIS instead.To illustrate this point:a bunch of friends wanted to go to Great Adventure.I was 16,they were 17-18.I say,"I'd better do the RIGHT THING and ASK Permission",and when I phoned,her reply was"NO,GET HOME!" so with much embarassment and loss of face,I slink home.And exactly 2 hours later,as my friends were driving UNDER the archway that says Great Adventure,my Mom says."Don't want you moping about the house:YOU CAN GO".That was the very moment I realized I HAD TO MOVE OUT.

And at 19,I DID.Got a job working nights at a supermarket,flunked out of college(stopped going to classes because I couldn't hack both 32hours at night and school in the day),and when I could afford to,moved gloriously out.And I remember the giddy JOY of my first visit to my parents' for dinner.And she was her typical self,critical with her volume sucessfully doubling with each mouthful,and I just sat there and SMILED.And at some point she asked me WHY I was smiling."Why?Because I can LEAVE!" And I got up and walked to the busstop.My father came by in the car and said Your Mother wants me to drive you home.I declined:I got here without help and I'll leave without help.And I went to MY apartment,laid in MY bed watching MY TV drinking MY beer and felt quite the conqueror.And she became noticably politer ever afterwards.Not POLITE,but growled where she used to scream.I made my point,I'll TAKE it.

So where does that leave me now?An orphan at 41:the Grandmother died of cancer and made my Mother visit her every day instead of going into a hospice,forcing my 78 year old Father to drive from their home in the upper left hand corner of New Jersey(where NJ,NY and PA are all 5 minutes from each other)down to New York city for a 5 hour commute EVERY DAY.She finally passed on,and my Mother then decides to clean out her apartment.How? By doing that 5 hour commute EVERY DAY for an HOURS' worth of work.I offer my parents my help:just pick a day and I'd help them finish the whole job in a day.No,no.I work nights,not my problem.So my father drives me home that Saturday I made my offer,and I tell him Stand UP to her! You hate all that driving,why have it her way all the time?He agrees,reluctantly.I give him 40 bucks for gas money and say I wish I could give him thousands.He smiles and we say goodbye.I turn from the car and get to my door...and then run back to him and give him a big hug.I'm glad I did.He died of a stroke the next morning.In my Mom's arms.And I can guess how.

My Mom lived on for about 6 years more.I was going to move in with her,learned how to DRIVE at 34,and haven't been behind the wheel since my test.I was preparing to uproot my life and put myself at her mercy,to care and do and deal with a house too remote for my friends to visit,where the snow falls in feet instead of inches,as a dutiful son should.I didn't.Because I said,in a light joking fashion,Just make a spot for my Computer and I'll be happy."YOU'RE NOT BRINGING THAT DAMN COMPUTER IN THIS HOUSE! I HATE that fucking thing!You're ALWAYS ON IT".Huh.What's wrong with it?"They use ELECTRISITY! I CAN'T AFFORD IT!"This coming from a woman who does 5 loads of laundry a day.But I LOVE my computer.I do my ARTWORK on it.I'm trying to make a GRAPHIC NOVEL with it.I communicate with the WORLD through it."I DON'T CARE!YOU AIN'T BRINGING IT!"But how will I do my artwork without it?"Forget it,I'm gonna keep you TOO BUSY to think about it!"And I realized a terrible Truth:I was tearing up my life for this woman and she couldn't care less.So I told her off.Loudly,louder than HER.Used many curses,andmeant every one of them.And even her famous Last Stand threat bounced harmlessly off of my Righteous Rage:I'll CUT you out of My WILL!"*cue Thunderclap*.Shove that will up your ass sideways.Leave your money,my FATHER's hard earned money to those mutant fucking hillbillies that are always sponging food off of you (she WAS a GREAT cook).What good would be money in Hell?I hung up,and didn't talk to her in months.And I chose rightly.She passed away after Thanksgiving 2004,very unpleasantly,destroying herself.She was diabetic,and never kept tabs on her bloodsugar,and the last year was miserable for her.She caught a disease called lymphadema where her legs swelled up with lymph fluids and constsntly sweated it out.It was a fatty liquid that stank as it rotted and formed what looked like bloody meringue  coating her legs.It made the carpet stink and she put down 10 cans of Carpet fresh without vacumning it up afterwards,and this made her feet burn so badly they looked like dinosaur paws.I traveled there when I could to care for her,riding up on the 10am bus from the Port Authority after work when the small army of toothless Deliverence-Extras couldn't be bothered to come around.She wound up in the hospital a few times,leaving against advice when her benifits ran out(a paerwork flaw she never bothered to correct) and lived on cookies and ice cream,defying all common sense.Her last trip in I stayed overnight in the waiting room during an operation to have her bowels resected,and the doctor said they were BLUE.And for 10 days she lingered,and the remaining family,me Sis and the nephews begged her to fight.Except for the last day,where my sister and I begged her to go in peace,her body putrefied beyond all returning.She deserved better,but was too pigheaded to hear any advice but her own.

((My that'ts a long-assed post!))

Lemme sum up now with this:how have my Parents' lives affected me?Simple:No Co-Habitating,No Breeding!An adamantine desire to control my own enviorment after a sucession of EVIL roommates prohibits this.And for you:I offer advice freely given,heartfeltedly meant.Gotta run to see Xmen now! PM me if you have specific questions about life and I'll do what I can,dear.You are worth preserving.
Too Much Fun

[Whirlingdervish]

I just want to make them proud of me. but I don't want them controlling every aspect of my life. it's also a pain to deal with them because they never let me leave the house to do anything. I've never felt the need to go out and do stuff though because I'm so used to staying indoors. Plus, I don't really have any friends that are willing to do stuff with me, besides Jenn. I've stayed so long inside that I actually PREFER alonetime with my computer over going out (unless it's with Jenns). Sad, huh?

Plus, my parents would 'prefer' for me to marry a Chinese guy. So I'm wondering, uhh.. Why can't I decide for myself? do I /really/ have to pick a specific race to fall in love with?? So I've asked them many times about it and finally settled on it. They believe it would be best to hook up with someone that knows Chinese to some extent, or is willing to learn. and familiar with the culture. That way the poor guy won't be COMPLETELY lost when dealing with my relatives. =] I just know if he's not Chinese, he'll be in for it. At least I'll know he truly loves me if he's willing to deal with my parents.

Just wondering how many chinese dudes you have hidden in your room....
seems like it might be a bit tough to find an acceptable counterpart if you can't go hangout outside of your house with
people who are your peers... Are they supposed to ride up to your window on a horse
and ask you to let down your hair so they can climb up? I can understand that people
don't want their underage daughter out running around the streets at all hours of the night, but thats
what a reasonable curfew is for.

Segregating them from their friends and classmates by not letting them go anywhere or do anything
without prior approval is a bit much though... I always had tons of free time as a teenager but I had to
sit at home and make sure I was there to answer the stupid phone calls that my parents would make every 30 minutes to make sure I was still there. It got to the point where I would get grounded cause I wasn't going to stop taking a shit, and go running out of the can to answer their damn spy calls. I can totally understand how it can feel like you never get
to go out and do anything.

By the time I was 15, I'd just lie to my parents 10 times a day about where I was and who I was with
and what I was doing, because I was no longer willing to let them know who all my friends were and what their phone numbers were and how they could be reached and where they lived. (all of which were preconditions to me ever getting to leave the house) Nothing better than having your psycho mother call and bitch out your friends parents for something you
did at their house while they were out of town...

Unfortunately, I really can't recommend lying thru your teeth. It might get you some free time out of the house,
but one day (unless your lucky) you'll get caught doing it and they'll clamp down harder than they were...
and then you'll hate me for suggesting it... lol.

It's really not a great way to go anyways;
I have to keep up some of these lies to this day, just so my Mother won't go postal over some shit that happened
a long time ago.
(and I haven't even lived with 'em for a few years now)

Hopefully you can find a better way than I did. You seem smart enough!


PS: In the end, when you decide on a guy, it won't be up to your parents.
Find one that can take care of himself and who cares about you more than he cares for anything else,
and it won't matter if he can stand your parents/relatives or speak chinese or dance a friggin pretty little jig.

[randypants]

Jesus wept.

[paradisel0st]

Us white boys are where it's at. Mya has realized this and there is no need for her to find someone to care about. His name is DAMNATION ZERO.

[Art]

Wow, what sob stories. I had to break out the hanky here. I always knew my parents were good and any problems I might be having were self-inflicted, but that didn't keep me from resenting some of their desicions. Just part of the growing up process, I suppose. I do understand the Dad that grew up in the depression. Mine was born in '20. Talk about penny pinching and pack-ratting. It was not untill I became a Dad myself that I fully started to understand what my parents experienced.

To me, there is nothing I've ever done that was more challenging, demanding and life changing as being a parent. I've tried to be as good a one as mine were. Hopefully, I came close. There are powers and emotions associated with having and raising children of your own that you'll never know otherwise, and I believe this IS the secret of life ... I'm sure not everyone is cut out for it though. Unfortunately, there is no way to know without starting the process.

Oh one more thing ...
Being a parent is something that NEVER passes.

Regards,
 

[error]

Its all part of life yes. Things do get better when you get older, you see the bigger picture. And people see how stupid teenagers really are.