The Christmas 2017 thread

[|iR|Focalor]

That's right, I said "CHRISTMAS". Because I never miss a chance to troll someone.

That reminds me. I was at the mall the other day with my old man helping him pick out Christmas gifts for my mom. He was buying her some perfume at the perfume counter in Macy's. The lady helping us had one of those head scarf things on and was VERY OBVIOUSLY Muslim. After purchasing the shit, he wished her a, and I quote, "Merry Christmas." LOL. I told him, "That's like offering a Jew a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich."

Anyway, as usual, I gotta post my favorite dirty X-mas album again, Matt Rogers Rated X-Mas.

You can't find this album in stores or for sale online anymore. It was pulled shortly after it came out due to royalty or copyright issues or something. Apparently the albums creator thought all the songs were old enough to be public doman, but some of the songs he was parodying were actually copyrighted or something and he never paid for the rights, so he was forced to pull it. However, a few people already had it, and they posted the songs on Napster which distributed them to TONS of people, and these days you can still find some of those songs uploaded to youtube, which I'm pretty sure is where I collected all these and converted them to MP3, which explains some of the less-than-terrific audio quality on some of the songs. Anyway, enjoy!

http://focalor.tastyspleen.net/mp3/rated_xmas_album.zip

[The Dreaming Dragon]

<span data-s9e-mediaembed="youtube" style="display:inline-block;width:100%;max-width:640px"><span style="display:block;overflow:hidden;position:relative;padding-bottom:56.25%"><iframe allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" style="background:url(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/PD2YUK5BzqA/hqdefault.jpg) 50% 50% / cover;border:0;height:100%;left:0;position:absolute;width:100%" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PD2YUK5BzqA"></iframe></span></span><br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/v/PD2YUK5BzqA&amp;feature=youtu.be" target="_blank" class="new_win">https://www.youtube.com/v/PD2YUK5BzqA&amp;feature=youtu.be</a>

 

[haunted]

Cooking has always been a big hobby of mine and the holidays are an excuse for friends and family to get together and have a good time. A local tradition from my hometown is to have oyster roasts at this time of the year, and this is where I'll invite friends more so. Family time would be for xmas eve dinner/xmas dinner where I always cook a standing rib roast. Last year I only paid 30 BUCKS for an 8 lb prime rib roast and it was beautiful. It was already 5.99 a lb then I used a coupon to make it 3 something a pound lol. Obviously I never expect to beat that, but I still only spent 30 bucks or so but for a 6 lb roast which is awesome.

Regarding the oyster roasts, I've been shucking these things my whole life(for those who prefer to eat them raw like I do). When I steam them I only do them half-way anyway, nothing worse than a dried up oyster. Wet burlap over the oysters is a good way to roast them on a fire pit, but mainly it's where the actual oysters come from. Saltier the better and a key indicator of the fresh salty water they came from opposed to being buried in the mud is how many pea crabs in them. The more pea crabs the better, and I eat them too.

Then there's New Years which is corned beef brisket. Get a good cut and simmer it for 4-5 hours in a pot of water. In a bowl mix mustard and brown sugar together. You can add something else, but those two are the most important. Take that bitch out and throw it on a baking sheet and lather it with the sauce you make and bake at high heat, 450 or so, for 30 minutes or so. Until the shit looks caramelized and browned. Add black eye peas and collards, there ya go.

[Sgt. Dick]

Husband, 83, wife, 80, wanted to give weed as Christmas gifts

MERRY CHRISTMAS - Here is a pound on weed
http://www.floridatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/12/22/husband-83-wife-80-wanted-give-weed-christmas-gifts/976895001/

[haunted]

Biggest sweet tater I've ever grown.

[|iR|Focalor]

God damn.

Dunno how you do a roast. I have a big heavy Martha Stewart brand cast iron ceramic coated dutch oven. Plop in the roast, some broth, some onions, seasonings, carrots, some cabernet sauvignon. Let me rephrase that... I don't cook it, my old lady does. She was the one who started cooking it this way, because I've always just used a crock pot or oven pan. And they always turned out dry and kinda shitty when I did 'em too. I think she pan sears the outside of it first on the stove, THEN she plops it into the dutch oven with all the other stuff and crams it in the oven for a couple hours. But it always comes out falling apart and juicy as a motherfucker.

Speaking of wine, my dad's a big Godfather trilogy fan, and he brought some of this Francis Coppola wine. REALLY REALLY good stuff. Not all that knowledgeable about wines and what they SHOULD taste like, but this stuff is definitely what I'd call "good".

https://www.francisfordcoppolawinery.com/en/our-wines/diamond-collection/claret

Apparently the Claret is some kinda blended wine, which I've never really heard of. I've heard of blended scotch before, but I wasn't really aware that anyone did that kinda thing with wine. Good as hell though. Not too sweet like a desert wine, but not bitter and slightly chalky tasting like the cheap common brands either. Just did a little hunting online, and apparently it usually goes for 15 to 20 dollars a bottle. Not "cheap", but certainly not too expensive either.

[|iR|Focalor]

big heavy Martha Stewart... dutch oven

After rereading that... Sounds kinda like one of those Filthy Sanchez or Cleveland Steamer kinda things, doesn't it?

[|iR|Focalor]

If I had to guess, a Martha Stewart dutch oven would have something to do with two inmates at a womens prison doing something to the others anus hole. I'm in my fuckin' 30's, I should probably grow up soon, huh?

Maybe right after I post this:

[haunted]

With that, a prime rib, it's tough to get it as right as I did in the picture. At least for me anyway. There were 3 ribs in the roast when I bought it and just like a t-bone on the grill it's always going to be less cooked near the bone. The outside of a prime rib roast is fatty so it kind of works out on it's own to have that shit cooked thoroughly then the inside stuff closer to the bone medium to medium rare.

My wife cooks a lot, but I'm better at several things than her. Something like holiday prime rib she leaves to me

It tasted great by the way. My brother just stopped by midway on his way to your neck of the woods where his old lady's family is outside Macon. I sent him off with a gallon of true quintessential eastern carolina bbq sauce. Vinegar based, the good shit. Coincidentally they were having bbq for xmas eve and they used some of the sauce and the georgia folks loved it. Not familiar with Georgia BBQ but I've heard about a place named Clinton's that's good.... but they charge more than 20 bucks for a gallon of sauce. Holy shit.

Yeah, there's single-malt scotch and blended islay if I recall right. Canadian whiskeys are blended. Wine I'm less familiar with, but I know I've seen it on the bottle before but only with red. Just clicked the link. I haven't seen that one, but with Cab being the most mild red(I think?) I'd bet that it's one of the more commonly blended wines as well.

big heavy Martha Stewart... dutch oven

After rereading that... Sounds kinda like one of those Filthy Sanchez or Cleveland Steamer kinda things, doesn't it?

 

[Sgt. Dick]

That prime rib looked 

It made me hungry even thou I just finished a big meal a couple hours ago.

[|iR|Focalor]

As far as I know, "most" scotch you'll ever see sitting on a shelf is gonna be blended. Johnny Walker, Dewars, Glenlivet, most of it's blended unless it something like Glenmorangie and states "single malt" on it. I used to love scotch, especially 12yr shit like Johnny Walker black and Glenlivet, but I just can't drink it anymore. Tastes like fuckin' shit. All that Irish and Scottish shit smells tastes the same to me now, usually like cat piss and perfume. But Makers Mark... totally different animal. Without a doubt, the #1 best kentucky bourbon anywhere. Dervish swears Jim Beam is the best. I... disagree. Jim Beam wishes they made bourbon like Makers Mark.

I've got one last little one gallon cask of homemade whiskey dripped from mash I made from some sweet indian corn 6 years ago. It's been sitting and aging for 6 years in my "aging cellar" (the closet under the basement stairs, big ass closet though), some of the first stuff I ever made. All the rest of that years stuff went into other casks that got drank within a year or two, and it was fantastic. But I got a couple friends coming down from Chicago and Detroit to spend New Years with me, so I figure it's a great time to finally tap this last one from 2011 and impress them with some REAL quality homemade Georgia whiskey. Hopefully leaving it in there that long didn't make it too strong and oaky tasting. I usually only age it a year in oak. I age my wine in repurposed plastic or glass bottles though, lol. Never tried aging any homemade wines in oak. These little barrels aren't cheap, and the last thing I wanna do is spend almost 100 bucks per barrel and have the shit coming out skunked and funky and ruining the barrel.

There used to be a Clinton BBQ House kinda-sorta near Macon, but I never went there. I don't get down to Macon a helluva lot. There was some kinda BBQ thing on PBS a while back I watched, and they went with Brann Dailor, drummer for Mastodon, to some little roadside gas station walk-up BBQ shack. All I remember was it was somewhere in Georgia, but Clinton's sounds familiar. Probably not the same place though. Anyway, there USED to be a pretty good place where I grew up in Snellville GA called A&J's Tasty Pig BBQ. I don't think they sold their sauce, but it was pretty good. The sauce wasn't really the remarkable thing though, it was the pork on the BBQ sandwiches. Holy fuck, they'd pile those buns sky high. But alas, A&J's burned to the ground about 10 or 15 years ago. But in my opinion, THE BEST bbq in the entire state of Georgia is made at Williamson Bros BBQ.

http://williamsonbros.com/

Not even fucking joking... I dunno what kinda BBQ you got in North Carolina, but Williamson Bros might beat it. I'm not really sure what makes North Carolina BBQ what it is, but I assume it's sweet vinegar based thin sauce, which is what Williamson Bros is. They sell their own sauce in jars all over the place. Dunno if its available where you live, but it's usually available in most of the Kroger stores all over NE Georgia. Not a thick sauce AT ALL, so if you decide to order some online and paint some ribs or loins on the grill with it, don't expect it to stick like that thick-ass Sweet Baby Ray's or Kraft shit they sell in stores, it's just gonna run right off.

[Sgt. Dick]

Christmas Florida Style
All-time high of 837 Surfing Santas sweep across Cocoa Beach - http://www.floridatoday.com/story/news/2017/12/24/hundreds-surfing-santas-sweep-across-cocoa-beach/979897001/

[|iR|Focalor]

Did xmas morning breakfast with my family over at my sisters house. My niece (she's like 5 or something) gave me this red and white "cousin Eddie" trapper hat with reindeer antlers on it. I had to wear it OVER my helmet on the ride back home... which got me lots of puzzled looks from every other passing motorist.

Did Xmas dinner here at home with my old lady's family. Always... uh... "fun". Half her family speaking Greek and English intermittently, me thinking they're always talking shit about me when they do.

I could post this in the "last movie you saw" thread, but fuck it. I'm here now.

Went last night to see the new Star Wars movie with my old lady and her brother. I haven't seen a movie on X-mas night since... pfft, probably 2002 I think when I went to see that Jim Carrey movie The Majestic with my then girlfriend and our friends. I had forgotten how many people actually spend Xmas evening at the movies. Ugh! PEOPLE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

I'm not a Star Wars nerd, first of all. I like Star Wars, sure. But it's far from my "favorite" movie franchise.

Movie wasn't too bad. Better than the last episode in my opinion, but felt very non-Lucas-y with the storytelling, all deep and philosophical and shit. Lucas was always simple and straightforward with everything. Should be kinda interesting to see how far they ever diverge from that style as time goes on... cuz let's face it, they're NEVER EVER gonna stop making Star Wars movies now, we've opened a can of worms that we'll NEVER get the lid back on. As long as they keep making shitloads of money, we'll keep getting Star Wars movies... just like we'll keep getting more seasons of Walking Dead with NO FUCKING END IN SIGHT.

And all the people who wanna complain about how shitty the new Star Wars movie is... like her brother did... and like my sister did when I was over there yesterday morning... GET OVER IT. These fuckin' nerds are gonna complain no matter what they do until George Lucas gets involved again. And they're the same nerds who were whining when Lucas did Empire Strikes Back. It's a fuckin' movie, some movies are better than others, don't be so diva about shit. God damn nerds.

[ex]

Dude, prime rib roasts are to die for.  I've been making them every Christmas as an alternative to fucking turkey or even worse, ham.     

BTW, Focalor you need to branch out as far as whiskeys go.  There's much better out there than Maker's Mark.  Try some Four Roses single barrel sometime.  That one is a truly wonderful tasting whiskey.  I don't like whiskey as much as say, Cognac or Armagnac, but Four Roses makes a damn good product.

From the Four Roses website on the tasting notes of the single barrel:

Nose: Fruity, spicy, floral, caramel, vanilla, cocoa, maple syrup, moderately woody.
Palate: Hints of ripe plum & cherries, robust, full body, mellow.
Finish: Smooth & delicately long.
50% abv

BTW, for a strong whiskey, it's very mellow compared to the sharpness that Maker's has.  I don't like higher strength stuff usually but this one is pretty good.  The multiple levels of flavors make it worth trying, and I usually have a bottle of this on hand at any time.  :>

There's some damn good wine blends out there too.  Most people don't realize that some of the cheaper wines out there are blended.  Sometimes the names are false, i.e. they call it Merlot but it's actually several different red "Merlot"-like styles blended up to bring the cost down.  Unless you're an absolute wine snob, you won't taste much difference between a say, middle-price Malbec and a mid-shelf blended red of similar design.  I guess it comes down to what you look for in your drink.   

[johnny]

Re: standing rib roasts

This is as close to foolproof as it gets; I have never had one turn out anything other than excellent using this method:

https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015803-beef-rib-roast