Author Topic: JOKES (Read 141163 times)

ReCycled · « **Reply #60 on:** October 21, 2007, 04:07:42 PM »

Rodney Dangerfield one-liners and quips:
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I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Then I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

A hooker once told me " Not on the first date".

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was and she said "No, but I did get the license number."

Pr0c3550r · « **Reply #61 on:** October 21, 2007, 04:41:20 PM »

Quote from: Daemia on October 18, 2007, 10:36:28 AM

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

ReCycled · « **Reply #62 on:** December 01, 2007, 08:36:31 PM »

From Goodfellas. Still a classic. Joe Pesci at his finest......

ReCycled · « **Reply #63 on:** December 03, 2007, 12:45:58 PM »

Not a joke but I found it funny. A commentary on today's 'braces' culture.

Daemia · « **Reply #64 on:** December 18, 2007, 09:31:24 AM »

haha the 'fake smiler'. even worse is the 'fake laugher'! and how about the 'fake phone voice'?
very annoying.
Im one of those people who look like they are glaring steady

ok this ones funny. you MEN will lOVE this.

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

jägermonsta · « **Reply #65 on:** December 18, 2007, 09:49:13 AM »

fuck that greedy slut. to the curb whore.

Whirlingdervish · « **Reply #66 on:** December 18, 2007, 10:03:35 AM »

I've found the best way to address a woman who doesn't want to put out, even tho they've decided that you're off the market by claiming to be your significant other (possibly in order to get jewelry that isn't spurious), is to remind them that most men have two hands, both of which can get them off better than some woman could ever hope to, and most women can't reach their own cooch with their tongue.

Daemia · « **Reply #67 on:** December 18, 2007, 02:46:30 PM »

lol we just have our celibacy spells... we get over it eventually

but that was pretty damn funny huh? i read it to my bf and he said he wished he had thought of that!

Whirlingdervish · « **Reply #68 on:** December 18, 2007, 04:39:48 PM »

very funny. and plausible too.

I might be putting that in the playbook.

[BTF]Sigma · « **Reply #69 on:** December 18, 2007, 06:21:26 PM »

That was good.

Art · « **Reply #70 on:** December 19, 2007, 05:00:24 PM »

Quote from: Daemia on December 18, 2007, 02:46:30 PM

lol we just have our celibacy spells... we get over it eventually

[BTF]Sigma · « **Reply #71 on:** December 20, 2007, 01:39:48 AM »

#1 reason used by women who cheat: "He wasn't fufilling me."

#1 excuse used by men who cheat: "She wasn't fullfilling me."

Thing is, a lot of women use it as an explanation, ticket out of guilt if you will, to describe why they cheated. They even think of it as a valid circumstance. Men, well, try explaining that to a woman and have her believe it's justified.

sry

Daemia · « **Reply #72 on:** December 20, 2007, 08:00:59 AM »

haha Sigma, I TOTALLY think about that. is there a difference in a 'reason' and an 'excuse'?

i think not! its just word play, people who say "this is my reason" are in denial about the fact they are giving an excuse!

so think about that! when you're trying to justify something do you give a reason or excuse?

so what if its off topic

and i wouldn't categorize 'reason givers' to just women. although i do agree a good 70% of them prob are women, but I know a lot of 'reason giver' men too

ReCycled · « **Reply #73 on:** December 20, 2007, 10:29:37 AM »

jägermonsta · « **Reply #74 on:** January 08, 2008, 01:20:55 PM »

http://www.amny.com/news/politics/am-ironmyshire0109,0,4633715.story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjS8_WWhjao

I live in the Boston area and listen to this radio show every day on my commute home from work, it's freakin hilarious.

Author Topic: JOKES (Read 141163 times)

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