JOKES

[|iR|Focalor]

There once was a whore from Peru,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
"If they pay to get in",
She said with a grin,
"They can pay to get out again too."

[Waffle Whiffer]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

[Th0m@s29]

Lol These Are ACTUALLY SOME DAMN GOOD JOKES NICE!

[|iR|Focalor]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, the office has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this anomaly to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

[|iR|Focalor]

So this ten year old boy walks into a brothel, and he's carrying this dead frog on a stick. He goes to the madam and says, "I want to get a hooker."
She looks at him and says that he's too young. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "I said I want to get a hooker."
"Fine kid."
"...And I want her to have the clap."
The madam looks at the kid and says no. A hooker, sure, but a hooker with the clap, no. The kid pulls out another hundred dollar bill. "I said I want a whore with the clap."
"Fine."
"...And herpes."
The madam balks. No, she says. Thats too much. So he pulls aout another hundred dollars. "I said I want a hooker with herpes."
"Alright fine. Whatever."
"...And AIDS."
The madam stares at the kid with wide-eyed horror.
"No. I'm not going to give you AIDs."
He pulls out a hundred dollars.
"No. This is just wrong. How would I live with myself?"
He throws out another hundred. The madam looks at the kid and decides that he's not going to back down. If she doesn't give him what he wants, someone else probably would. ANd anyway, It is the kids life, after all.
"Fine," she says. "Up the stairs, third door on the left."
The kid walks up the stairs. The stick with the dead frog bouncing as he goes up the steps. He walks into the room and shuts the door.
Ten minutes later he steps out the room, walks down the steps, and is about to walk out the door when the madam stops him.
"Tell me," she says, "Why did you want to throw your life away like that. I mean, your ten years old and you have the clap. And worse, you have herpes. And even worse, you have AIDs. Why would you do that?
The boy turns to her and says, "When I get home, I'm going to jerk off on my babysitters tampon. Sometime later, after I'm in bed, my dad is going to gently caress her. Sometime, in the next month, my dad is going to gently caress my mom. And the next morning, my mom is going to gently caress the mailman."
"And the mailman," the boy said," He's the one that ran over my frog."

[Booya]

 A couple getting on in their years goes to the dr to find out why the old man is  having health problems. The guy gets his results and has a private conversation with the dr. Dr says  you're getting to old to exercise much. I recommend you have sex with your wife 2 - 3 times a day to compensate or you are going to die very soon.  Old guy goes out and tells his wife. Wife goes barging into the doctors room asking him to explain it to her. When she comes out the old man asks what did the dr say? she says "you're gonna die soon"

[Booya]

EDIT sry i fkd that up.
re-do
I was offered sex from this hot ass 70 yr old sugar momma. In exchange, I had to do some kind of advertisement for her new bathroom cleaning business. Of course I declined due to my strong moral values. As strong as the new Ajax, super strong powered cleaner! Which now comes in Vanilla and Lemon.

[|iR|Focalor]

I don't get it.

[Booya]

I don't get it.

EDIT sry i fkd that up.
re-do
I was offered sex from this hot ass 70 yr old sugar momma. In exchange, I had to do some kind of advertisement for her new bathroom cleaning business. Of course I declined due to my strong moral values. As strong as the new Ajax, super strong powered cleaner! Which now comes in Vanilla and Lemon.

[|iR|Focalor]

A guy is walking down the street when he sees a chalkboard sign outside of a small cafe that reads:

DAILY SPECIALS
HANDJOBS $5
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH $2

He walks in and sits down. After a few moments, a gorgeous long legged athletic busty brunette wearing a skirt so tiny that the bottom of her perfectly shaped butt cheeks could be clearly seen came walking over to his table. She pulled her order pad out of her apron pocket, then bent down with pad and pen in hand until both of her big beautiful 36DD breasts looked like they were about to come bursting out of her low cut cotton button up blouse.
"Do you know what you want, stud?", she asked him seductively.
"Are you the girl that gives the handjobs?", he asked.
She replied, "I sure am, sugar."
Then he said, "Well wash your damned hands, I want a sandwich."

[|iR|Focalor]

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

 

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I had left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

[|iR|Focalor]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied, “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.” “What’s your name?” she asked.

He answered, “B.J. Titsenbeer”

[Booya]

After reconsidering the joke, I deleted it. oops.

[|iR|Focalor]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub3Cm0V_Z8w
<span data-s9e-mediaembed="youtube" style="display:inline-block;width:100%;max-width:640px"><span style="display:block;overflow:hidden;position:relative;padding-bottom:56.25%"><iframe allowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" style="background:url(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ub3Cm0V_Z8w/hqdefault.jpg) 50% 50% / cover;border:0;height:100%;left:0;position:absolute;width:100%" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ub3Cm0V_Z8w"></iframe></span></span><br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/v/ub3Cm0V_Z8w" target="_blank" class="new_win">https://www.youtube.com/v/ub3Cm0V_Z8w</a>

[|iR|Focalor]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I am a nurse” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes
and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse further. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything, and by the way, where is she?”

I replied, “Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”