JOKES

[|iR|Focalor]

A guy went to the zoo one day, but while he was standing in front of the gorilla enclosure, the wind gusted and got some grit in his eye. As he pulled down his eyelid to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy recovered consciousness, the worried zookeeper explained what had happened, revealing that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, ‘Fuck you!’ However, the explanation failed to appease the guy and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his trousers, he hurried to the zoo and went over to the gorilla’s cage. He then tossed a knife, a party hat and a party horn into the gorilla enclosure. Knowing that the great apes are natural mimics, the guy put on the party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat lying on the ground, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up the horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

[|iR|Focalor]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished…Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance much?”

“You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.”

[|iR|Focalor]

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village.

The reporter asks him “John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life…”
“Well, this one time my neighbour’s sheep got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that sheep”.

The reporter, turning red said “Cut! John, we can’t air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?

“Well, this one time my other neighbour’s donkey got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that donkey”.

The reporter again shouted “Cut! Still no good John. Please tell us about your next happiest memory”.

“Well, this one time my other neighbour’s wife got lost, and the whole village…”
The reporter interrupted him “Yeah, yeah, you all found her and fucked her! Do you have any happy memories that DON’T involve you fucking something?!”
“I’m afraid not” he said.

“For Christ’s sake John… you’re gonna get me fired! Never mind your happy memories… why don’t you tell us your saddest memory instead?”

John looked down and tears started to well up in his eyes and he said “Well, this one time, I got lost…”

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess”.

“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good” said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is ‘don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched'”.

“That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands”.
“Good heavens” said the horrified teacher “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
 “Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking!”

[|iR|Focalor]

One hot and dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail, and kissed it where the sun don't shine.
An old man in a rocking chair by the general store witnessed this strange event. "What'dya do that fer?", he asked.
"Got chapped lips.", the cowboy replied.
"Does that help?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

[Sgt. Dick]

Logical